Golden Primarches

Before I go poking at my galaxy map to find Palaven though, I stop by Traynor’s little station for a chat. She mentions that she didn’t have a chance to grab a toothbrush before leaving Earth or whatever, and I mention that we can put in orders for toothbrushes and stuff like that. She says she has a SUPER FANCY 6000 CREDIT toothbrush and I immediately tell her no, we won’t be paying for that. I need all our money for ships and fish and bigger guns.

This toothbrush is apparently some piece of work. I don’t get why she needs it so bad. My toothbrush works fine. Besides you can just get new teeth if your teeth go to shit, right? We have that technology don’t we? I got new teeth when Cerberus rebuilt me. At least, I think I did. Maybe they wanted to keep my dental records the same so they just shoved my old teeth in there. I don’t know, I didn’t ask a lot of specific questions about this.

We head to Palaven and shit is going DOWN here. There’s a giant fucking space battle going on on their moon and Liara asks if it was this bad on earth and I nod. She apologizes and I insist she not worry about. Liara, look at this. We’re all fucked. My only solace is that I’m a little drunk right now.

Cortez drops us off on the moon and Liara, James, and I pile out of the shuttle, shooting husks and clearing a path to the turian base. I pause for a second to ogle this turian soldier and then look for the commanding officer, General Corinthus. I tell him I’m here for the Primarch, and he informs me  that the Primarch is dead. Well, fuck. Back to the Normandy then? Oh wait, someone else is the new Primarch and I can get that guy instead. In order to find out who that is though, we need to get a comm tower up.

But first, I wander the camp for a bit picking up random gun parts and medigel and whatever I can find. Finally I decide I should actually get to that comm tower but it needs repairs. I tell James to do it, and he tells me that tech isn’t really his specialty. Hahahaha, perfect, yes fix the thing James. Liara and I will fight off these husks while you do.

We get the tower working but it takes some time to get the information we need. In the meantime, the three of us fight off more reapers and I stand next to random turians, giving them the eye. Finally we head back to the general. He says he might have someone for me.

Not the new Primarch though.



And he is looking PIMPED OUT, my god! You don’t have smashed up armor anymore and your bandage is off! Do you know what happened the last few months Garrus? I MISSED YOU.

I finally catch my breath a bit and we find out that new Primarch is this Victus guy. I ask Garrus about him, and Liara steps forward and starts answering my question. Uh, Liara? I’m trying to talk to Garrus here. I already told you, it’s not happening with us, I don’t care how much you know about turians.

I ask Garrus if he knows where Victus is but suddenly we get a call from Joker. The Normandy is going crazy, lights flickering, doors open and closing, galaxy map not even having entire solar systems on it. I send Liara back to check things out because James, Garrus, and I are going to TEAM BRO IT UP. Also James already said he doesn’t know shit about tech, and I can’t watch him be confused all the way over there.


Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Moon Over My Hamster

Finally I get a moment to do what I want. I walk to the CIC and wouldn’t you know, I already have a virtual stack of emails unread at my private terminal. I sigh and click through those real fast then go say hi to Joker. After some chitchat, I decide to head back up to my room to make my armor more…my style.

God, you guys made it all dark on my ship.

In my room, I make my armor GOLD and then realize what the fuck my fish are gone? Did you guys kill my fish? What is this shit? HEY MY SHIPS ARE GONE TOO! AND MY SPACE HAMSTER! THIS IS VERY UPSETTING. Everyone always fucks with all my stuff!

I also notice that despite getting rid of all my spaceships, they did build a bigger display case for them. I suppose Anderson was gonna move in his much bigger spaceship collection. I grumble to myself and leave my room to go down to the third floor. There’s a memorial wall right when you get off the elevator. That’s…uuuuh, that’s a downer. You guys know the lounge is ON this floor right? I will see that wall, get depressed and go immediately to the lounge. Bad idea!

Speaking of…I’ll go there first. And here’s some real bullshit, I can’t pour the drinks anymore? Excuse me? I am so mad.

I leave and notice that I also can no longer go into the men’s room. The fuck? I need to get in there to inspect them, obviously. Plus what if I have to puke? You want to keep all possible restrooms open to me.

Also I don’t want any male crew members throwing a hissy fit and locking themselves in there.

I find Liara in Miranda’s old room and whoooooa she has set up camp in here. I talk to her for a bit and then she asks me if I still wanna get all up on her blueness. She knows I be hitting that Garrus, and Liara, I’m sorry but…I’m gonna keep hittin’ dat turian. She seems a little upset but goes back to her work.


I head over to the medbay where Dr. Chakwas wants to give me a checkup. I ask why and she says to make sure my body isn’t rejecting my Cerberus implants. Seems a little…late for that to suddenly start happening but okay. I agree as long as it’s not invasive and she says something about being disappointed that it’s not. I uh….that was strange. You WANT to cut me up with a scalpel or? I’m honestly a little nervous right now. I’ma keep on with my rounds.

Downstairs I find Engineer Adams, who used to be on the SR1. We discuss the ship and EDI and a few other things and I explore the rest of the deck. Down in Jack’s ol hidey-hole, I hear a squeak. Was that? Was it? Oh my god! It’s my space hamster! It’s running around down here! Oh fuck I gotta catch it, this is a pain in the ass. I really hope no one is filming or watching me do this because I must look really stupid.

Finally I catch him and then notice that also down here are a bunch of my spaceships. Huh? Why are they….what kind of weird prank is this where someone took all my stuff and hid it everywhere on the ship? Is this what we do on Space Easter? Maybe it’s Space Easter and I didn’t realize it because I don’t have a Space Calender and because I am Space Passed Out All the Time.

Finally I go down to the last floor where I find a cool guy who is willing to fly my shuttle, named Steve Cortez. He and Vega are yelling adorable little quips back and forth at each other and they are just too cute.

I go to talk to Vega who is just doing pull ups. Just pull ups and more pull ups. I start talking to him and he keeps doing pull ups. When I ask him, he says I know his record but I remind him that I wasn’t allowed access to it when I met him. Whenever that was. It was apparently in the last few months, and as I’ve said before, they’re kind of a blur (completely nonexistent.)

He wants to spar so we do, and when I win he calls me Lola. Oh you weird little man, you are just too much. Go back to your giant weights and your pull ups. I’m gonna go figure out how the fuck we get to Palaven…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Make It Huert(a) So Good

I get to the hospital, but before I can reach Kaidan, I see my old buddy Dr. Chakwas! I run over there and she’s talking to Dr. Michel. HEY! DR. CHAKWAS! IT’S ME! SHEPARD! REMEMBER ME! COMMANDER SHEPARD!

She mentions that she’s been working in a lab here on the Citadel, and that she came here after the Normandy got impounded. Okay seriously, did I park it in a handicapped spot? Joker should count for that right? I should be allowed to park there. Honestly doc, I have no idea what went on the last few months, I have no idea how I got where I am right now. But I DO know that yo’ butt belongs on the Normandy, so do me a favor and get it down there.

I talk to Dr. Michel too who mentions that Kaidan is still out but I can go look at his unconscious body, if I wanna do that. I ask her a few questions and then hey! A terminal! I can buy something. I can buy WHISKEY. Awesome! I am so buying this and I am gonna drink this shit so hard.

I wander the hospital a bit until I finally find Kaidan’s room. His face is all bruised up and…he doesn’t have a shirt on? Um, doctor? Nurse? I’m just asking but shouldn’t he have a shirt on? Like maybe an unflattering hospital gown? Right? The hell is wrong with this hospital…

I yell at Kaidan’s body a bit and then head back to the rest of the hospital. An asari nurse is discussing cutting this guy’s leg off with him.  This other asari is asking her therapist if she can have a gun. Her therapist say no, so she asks if she can go to a different hospital. Ya know, one that’ll let her have a gun. Do…do they have those? Are there like, two different kinds of hospitals in space, and you get your choice between sexy hospital or violent hospital?

I try to ignore these rather unsettling thoughts and start to head back to the Normandy. First though, this reporter in a dress wants to talk to me. Yeah, fine, what? She asks if she can come on board the Normandy to cover the war effort and help gather support for it with her stories. I think about how I usually spend my time on the Normandy: drunk. Is this best thing for the war effort? Footage of me drunk on my ship? Probably not. I tell her no, making up some excuse uh, blah blah it’s a stealth ship no reporters.

I go back to the Normandy, and immediately have a weird dream where I’m chasing that kid through some awful forest. There’s a bench in the trees and I wonder if I can stop and sit on it for a while, but I can’t. I need to keep chasing this kid. Thankfully I wake up before long and decide to go actually look around my ship a bit since I haven’t even gotten to do that  yet.

Before I can though, Liara is at my door telling me about something something, I just woke up this conversation didn’t really stick with me. As we’re talking, we’re interrupted by this woman who introduces herself as Samantha Traynor, a comm specialist. She shows me some changes that were made to the Normandy, and mentions that Anderson was going to use it as his mobile command center. I say that’s not happening now because GODDAMMIT THIS IS MY SPACESHIP.

Traynor also mentions that Hackett wants to talk to me. Ugh, everyone wants a piece of the Shep action.  We talk about stuff and what’s going on and goddamn this war and all that.

Can I do what I want now?

Have we sufficiently damned this war?

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It’s The Thought That Counts-cil.

On the ship, Liara insists we get to the Citadel right away as Kaidan needs medical attention. I agree this is a good plan. I don’t know where else she thought I was planning to go, but I do have a tendency to forget what I’m supposed to be doing and look for a place to party instead. The Citadel should have that though, right? So, yeah let’s go there.

We also show Hackett the Crucible plans. He calls Liara by her first name and I’m a little like “uh, dude, I know she’s blue but she’s got a doctorate. I’m buddy-buddy with her, I can call her Liara, YOU can call her Dr. T’Soni.”

At the Citadel, they rush Kaidan to Huerta Memorial Hospital and I’m greeted by Captain Bailey who is now Commander. He says the council is ready to see me, but no rush or anything. They got a game of bridge going and I can take my time. Liara says she’ll head up there right now, because she loves bridge. James is just gonna hang out and look around because he’s never been here before! OH AREN’T YOU JUST PRECIOUS.

I look around the map and see that there’s no place to party. Hmph. I guess I’ll go talk to Councilor Udina…wait a minute why is he councilor and not Anderson? I made Anderson councilor. Seriously what happened while I was drunk for several months?

We get to the council and they are being their usual asses. At least they finally believe there are reapers. Not that that is especially comforting right now. And the fuck is up with Udina’s hair? Did he get some Just for Men so he can hook up with asari strippers? You look like an ass dude, you should’ve gone for the Touch of Gray at least.

They seem to think it’s pointless to try to help Earth or to even unite at all. Let’s just all fight on our own and see how it goes, probably super awesome right? I sigh and show them the crucible plans which they are ALSO wishy washy on and I am plotting time travel to go back to the geth attack and let them die…

The meeting ends with me having no help for Earth, but then the turian councilor comes up to Udina’s office who, instead of just apologizing for that air quote thing, asks me to go to Palaven and save the turian Primarch, to get the rest of the turians on my side. I had assumed my cross-species relations with the best turian ever would have already lured them to my side, but I guess not.

He also tells me that I still get to be a Spectre. GEE THANKS YOU’RE SO GENEROUS HOW WILL I EVER REPAY YOU.

I walk across the hall to the Spectre offices then and look at some panels and OH FUCK YES A SHOOTING RANGE. I desperately need to blow off some steam and shooting stuff is a close third after banging my boyfriend and drinking too much.

Also in this hallway is Bailey’s office. I find him talking to that reporter who is very upset about stuff. I can’t remember her name ever. K..something…look I’m gonna have to meet you more than three times before I remember it. OOH CAN YOU WRITE IT DOWN IN THE JOURNAL FOR ME?

I talk to Bailey who doesn’t like his job, then leave to head to the elevator. Reporter McLongName is there though and I get her to calm her tits for a few minutes and stop yelling at me.

Then I see JAMES! James is here just staring out a window! He says the Citadel isn’t his type of place and I’m like, well maybe we can still find a bar ooh also there’s a shooting range! But I don’t think you can go in it. Uh, sorry. Sorry I even mentioned it.

Then I finally I get a chance to head down to the hospital and see Kaidan…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

CerberME! CerberYOU! CerberUS!

With my team back to a reasonable three people, we take cover and fend off the incoming Cerberus troopers. Liara says I’m “gonna need more than guns” to kill these one dudes, but I thought the guns were doing a pretty good job. Finally I begrudgingly have her throw a singularity up there and we finish them off.

I think there was more bitching from Kaidan here? It really started to all blur together and I kinda stopped paying attention to it, honestly.

We work our way through this facility and see some security footage of a chick running around mighty suspiciously. Liara explains that it’s some Dr. Eva someone just got here last week. Yep. Mighty suspicious.

Liara also seems pretty distraught over stuff and I do my best to reassure her. There, there. Uh, we’re not all dead yet? Jeeesh god I suck at this. You wanna shoot things til ya feel better? Let’s do that.

We go through an area with no lights. I cloak and then turn on my flashlight. This…seems ineffective.

We get up to a big turret that we work our way around and disable. I have apparently learned some sweet parkour moves while black out drunk and I can tuckroll with the best of them now. After disabling the turret though, we realize that Cerberus has the tram we need to use locked down. Kaidan, in a surprise twist, gets a brilliant idea. We’ll find one of their helmet communicators and convince them that we’re totally Cerberus guys and – HEY WAIT A MINUTE. WAS THIS A TRICK TO SEE IF I KNEW LIKE CERBERUS LINGO AND SHIT? I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A TRICK.

Kaidan finds a communicator but inside the Cerberus dude’s helmet we see his face is totally GROSS. His eyes are glowing and it’s all black and shit like he’s becoming a husk or something. Kaidan asks if that’s what they did to me too. I sigh and just tell him yes this time.

Maybe if I start calling it “CerberTHEM” instead he’ll believe me.

We take the communicator and I call the Cerberus team on the other end of the tram. “Uh hey guys, it’s Delta team. What’s uh…up and stuff? You wanna give us a lift over there? We wanna hang out with you.” This sounds official right?

I half expect the guy to reply with “Who the …we didn’t bring any ladies on this mission did we? Guys, did we bring ladies on this mission? I’m pretty sure it was just us guys.” But instead he totally falls for it and away we go on the unlocked tram.

They wise up to our schemes and try to stop us but we finally get to the Prothean thing we were trying to reach. As we attempt to retrieve our information, I am suddenly greeted by a lovely hologram of The Illusive Man, wanting to chitty chat.

“Shepard, I see you’re shooting all my troops and trying to get this data for yourself. Not what I would’ve done but…”

We argue for a bit about his motives and his desire to control the reapers and make a big ol’ reaper army for himself and give all his troops creepy glowing eyes. I tell him he’s fucking nuts and not to call me anymore, god, it’s annoying.

After hanging up Liara notices that the data is being uploaded and we can’t get it and fuck, it’s happening nearby! It’s that Dr. Eva lady! I start chasing her through the facility and at one point actually get ahead of her for a split second but she’s all nimbly bimbly and I can’t catch her. She gets into a Cerberus shuttle and is about to take off when


And oh my god he’s crashing our shuttle into hers. Oh god he’s insane.

Her shuttle goes kablowy and we’re all pretty pleased with this. Suddenly she steps out of it though, body all charred and apparently a robot. Kaidan attacks her but she grabs him and starts just beating the shit out of him. I shoot her a bunch before she can finish the job, but Kaidan is fuuuuuucked up. I throw Kaidan over my shoulder, which is probably great for the punctured lung he probably has, and tell James to grab that robot thing. We all get back on the Normandy and decide what to do next.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Mars: A Plan

On board the Normandy, James is upset that we’re leaving Earth. Uh yeah James, buddy. You saw that shit show down there. You saw that one reaper that was like, seriously trying to have sex with a building. It was just going to town on it. We obviously need to go get some help. I am going to poke you…in the chest.

Our spirited debate is interrupted by Joker on the intercom, telling me that Hackett wants to talk to me. Good to know he’s still alive. When Anderson wondered why we hadn’t heard from him earlier, my first thought honestly was, “well he’s probably dead.” I didn’t want to say it right then though; nobody needed that Debby Downer-ness at the time.

Hackett tells me I need to go to Mars right away, as there’s problems at their Prothean dig site there and usually when they send me to weird Prothean shit, it’s all fucking daisies and sunshine for the Alliance. Not for me so much, sure, but I always find them neat shit just by touching things I’m not supposed to.

I tell Joker to point the Normandy and start eyeballing my armor. This is…not the right color. Who made it this color? Do I have time for a paint job before we get to Mars?

James, Kaidan, and I land on Mars. James points out the giant crazy dust storm in the distance and we all ooh and aah over it for a minute. Kaidan thinks it’s stupid though, and it’s just a tiny storm and its strength is no match for his UNMOVABLE POMPADOUR.

We head down a ladder and see an Alliance soldier suddenly killed execution-style by a group of troops in Cerberus uniforms.

Ummm, homie don’t play like that. I take cover, cloak, and quickly scope in on the executioner’s head. And then it’s GONE.  FUCK YOU GUYS! YEAH!

After beating that group up, Kaidan starts in with the “So Cerberus, you guys still write each other letters? You guys still Facebook friends? You still sending texts late at night? When you’re drunk?”

Goddammit Kaidan, NO. Just get on this elevator and stop bitching at me for one goddamn second. I swear I’m just gonna start sarcastically telling him that I totally do still work for Cerberus.

“Are you still with these guys, Shepard?”
“Yeah totally. I love them. I have a Cerberus tattoo even, but I can’t show it to you, it’s in a  naughty place.”

Maybe I can get some novelty contacts that look like The Illusive Man’s and sneak up on him with them in and put a cigarette out on his armor. I’M JUST REALLY UPSET AT THIS CONSTANT QUESTIONING.

We finally get up the elevator and I stop getting the third degree for a second. Instead there’s more guys to kill and then more noises coming from vents.

Vent Kid? Did you make it to Mars? THANE? IS IT THANE THIS TIME? I just know you love vents, Thane. No, it’s actually Liara! Being chased by Cerberus dudes! She kicks they asses though and it is like a goddamn Normandy class reunion up in here! Everyone put on name tags because James is confused! Aww James, you’re so adorable.

Liara explains that this site found plans for a prothean weapon that could help us in our fight against the reapers, but Cerberus is trying to get the plans instead. We need to head to a part of the facility that will involve riding on a tram and I groan wearily to myself already. Trams never go well for me.

Suddenly Cerberus is moving in on our position. I do a quick count and say to myself FOUR people here? Nuh uh, this won’t do; I gotta make a weird excuse to send one back to the shuttle. I send James away even though I secretly want him to say. Your confusion is so adorable! Please come back and say Spanish words!

I’ll miss him, but we’ve got Cerberus to fight…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Reinstated and It Feels So Good

Anderson and I head out of the room because fuck it, they’re all dead right? It doesn’t matter, I’m in a hurry. We need to get to the Normandy. MY Normandy, but we gotta find a way to contact them and tell them where we are so we start running through the debris and shit. Anderson contacts Kaidan somehow who says he’s with Vega and they’re on the Normandy and they’ll  TOTALLY pick us up.

Yeah, yeah you will.

Anderson and I are running and oh my god I jump over a small gap?! WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!?!

Anderson gives me shit for being out of a shape again and I think I’m actually in really great shape for how often I black out. I’m a functional alcoholi-OH SHIT HUSKS.

 I shoot the husks with my shitty pistol, ugh what is this thing and why do I have it? Where is my giant sniper rifle instead? This thing is…upsetting. I shoot the husks but then run out of ammo. Unfortunately I can’t just throw the gun at the husks then, which is more than this GODDAMN GUN DESERVES.

Since I’m out of ammo, I run over to punch the husk when suddenly my omni-tool grows a giant knife and I stab the husk in the face! Whoa! Seriously what happened the last few months? Wait are thermal clips different again? Oh they’re not, okay. Wait what about uh, OH MY GOD I CAN HOOD SLIDE OVER THINGS? Excuse me I will be doing this the rest of the day.

Anderson and I continue working our way through the debris and buildings. We get to a broken door that I force open for Anderson, when I notice something in the vents nearby. I go over to investigate. Maybe it’s a dog or small animal or THANE! He fucking loves vents!

It’s not though, it’s that kid that was making me want to vomit earlier with his twirling. I lean down and look at him. “The hell you doin’ in this vent, kid?”

He’s scared obviously, but a weirdly calm scared that is kinda freaking me out. I think if I were like 6 years old and giant robots started making horrible noises in my backyard I would be screaming my goddamn head off.

I try to convince the kid that vents aren’t really safe places in a reaper attack and that with me is probably much safer. Even though danger tends to just FIND me wherever I go. I promise to drop you off somewhere before we get too far, I won’t make you join my Normandy crew or anything, like I usually do with every misfit and layabout I find in the galaxy.

Anderson yells at me and I turn to be like, “What dude, I’m talking to this vent kid!” but when I turn back the vent kid is gone. Oh well.

We continue along a ledge, where I almost fall and Anderson grabs me. I tell him I owe him one and he says more than one. I, frankly, would like a list of these “ones” that I owe him. I know my memory is a little cloudy but this claim seems highly suspect to me.

Finally we get back outside and suddenly OH FUCK a shot from a reaper knocks loose the debris or whatever I was walking on and I fall for a while before tumbling near a couple other soldiers. Anderson and I ask them if they have a radio so we can call the Normandy and they point us in the right direction. Then some weird giant husk things show up. They’re called cannibals and Anderson yells at me to shoot them.

Ugh, with this shitty pistol again? Goddammit. Do either of you soldier dudes have a decent gun? You don’t. Sonofabitch. OH I HAVE POWERS. That will help. I can cloak and at least set these gross things on fire. We get past them, I take some medigel for myself and NOT YOU INJURED DUDES and Anderson and I continue to the radio. There’s more cannibals that we kill, and we finally reach it. We call the Normandy and they say they’ll be there soon. THANK GOD I FIND A DIFFERENT GUN. We hold off the cannibals for a while til the Normandy arrives.

I climb aboard and Anderson tells me he’s staying here. He orders me to leave without him and tells me I’m reinstated, tossing me my dog tags. Awwww, you had them with you? That’s so sweet. He tells me to go the Citadel and he’s gonna stay here on earth. Okay um…do you want us to like, give you a ride somewhere maybe first? We got the big spaceship like right here. No? Okay.

I look out and see vent kid climbing aboard a shuttle which then takes off and is then immediately shot down by a reaper. I look sad. I think? I think that’s my sad face, I may also have just farted. Maybe both. One thing is certain: I will be in the lounge.

this thing still has a lounge right?

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

This Is Not My Beautiful Spaceship

Ugh, fuck.

My head is killing me. What the hell, you guys, where am I? What’s going on?

In a detention center? on Earth?

Oh god, what the fuck did I do last night? How…how many probes did I launch at Uranus?

What do you mean, I’ve been here for MONTHS? Where’s my spaceship? Where’s Garrus?

Oh god, this is like the worst bender ever. Where the fuck is Thane, I keep him around for moments JUST LIKE THIS. I need a detailed explanation of what happened after I blacked out.

I watch some kid fly a toy spaceship around outside for a while. He keeps running in circles and just the thought of circles kinda makes me want to throw up. A huge muscle-y dude in a tight t-shirt comes into my room and salutes me and calls me Commander which I say he’s not supposed to do anymore. I don’t know this guy is, apparently his name is James and I don’t know what the fuck is going on but we’re leaving this room and Anderson is talking way too fast to me about an attack on our colonies something something.

Can someone please just tell me how I got here?

Anderson asks how I’m holding up and then pats me on the stomach and implies that I have put on weight. Uuuuuuuh, ‘scuse you? Hands off the merchandise, pal. I would defend my exercise habits and say I was doing pushups in that room the past however long I was in there, but I seriously have no idea. Besides, anyone is gonna look a little flabby next to 0% Body Fat over here.

As we head down the hallway, Anderson tells me more about these attacks and I groan to myself. Reapers attacking is not the way to wake up from a bender. For one thing, that noise? That noise is painful. I also yell at him for taking away my spaceship, which was totally not theirs to take. IT WAS MINE. Well, I stole it from Cerberus. But I stole it for ME. Not you guys. For me. It was my pleasure skiff and we were gonna make Batarians walk planks into black holes and shit, I don’t know. Mostly we were gonna drink and launch probes with it. My point is it was MINE.

As we head into this room, we run into Kaidan. Ooooooh good. These conversations always go so well.  Hi Kaidan. Nice hair, Kaidan. Uh hey, this James dude has nice hair too, why don’t you guys talk to each other? OKAY I’M OUTTIE.

We reach this defense council, which, HEY MY FAVORITE THING! A ROW OF PEOPLE ALL HERE TO JUDGE ME AND TWIST THEIR PANTIES AROUND. I say some stuff to them and then Luna base goes dark. Anderson clarifies for the slow people in the room that the Luna base is the moon. As we all absorb this information, suddenly a reaper drops down from the sky and just starts fucking things up. An explosion rocks the room we’re in and sends a desk flying. I nimbly avoid it and look for Anderson and holy crap, I actually stopped to check and see if some of these other people are alive. They aren’t though.

Anderson hands me a gun, and we head outside. Let’s find my fucking spaceship.


Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

If I Had 300,000 Batarians…

The guys here at “The Project” are all totally indoctrinated, naturally, and are now deadset on getting up in my business while I try to launch this rock we’re on at that mass relay and then get the hell off it. I see an update on the countdown clock and notice that it has gone from 2 days to 1 and a half…





Garrus must be worried sick. I mean my god, how is everyone on the Normandy not super concerned that I haven’t contacted them in DAYS? I just left the ship by myself and said I’d be back in a bit? Ugh, I feel so bad now that this occurs to me. I gotta take care of this stuff and get back there and get drunk with my crew and make this up to them.

I round a corner and see several dudes who immediately open fire on me. I yell “SHIELDS DOWN” to no one in particular, and start working my way through a bunch people who never should’ve kept me alive in the first place. Oooops.

I eventually make it to The Project control room and find a weird button to maybe push? I go talk to the computer there and say, hey let’s get this ball a rollin’ and destroyin’ stuff. It warns me that doing this is going to kill approximately THREE HUNDRED AND FIVE THOUSAND BATARIANS.



Reapers would fuck them up more though, so away with the button pushing we go. The computer asks me if I want to warn the batarians. Uuuuuhhhhhh…

Yeah sure.

I don’t know what they’re gonna…DO. But yeah, let’s make sure their lives end in a horrible panic instead of blissful ignorance. As I am about to do this, Kenson comes on the screen and is super pissed at me. She intends to overload the eezo core and stop the Project anyways.

Godfuckingdammit anyways, now I gotta go stop her instead of just leaving and letting her die on this rock as it crashes into the relay. I kill a bunch of dudes, including some pyros that can’t seem to figure out that their weapon is a terrible idea because I just throw an incinerate at them and they explode and then the guy NEXT to them starts on fire too. I catch up to Kenson who tells me that she is so upset that she’s gonna die without ever seeing the Reapers’  uh… “blessing” and that I am just going to die. Jesus christ this woman.  Their blessing is murdering you. You can have some of MY “blessing” instead (bullets.)

Unfortunately she’s started something overheating which means I need to go activate some cooling cores which are of course far apart. Fuck everything. Fuck fuck fuck. I take care of the one right in front of me and start heading through any door that I can go through and hoping it leads me to the other one. I ain’t got a fucking tour guide to point me in the right direction, okay?

I find more pyros and at one point, incinerate one, who explodes and hurts the guy next to him who I then shoot right in the nuts. I pause for a moment to just laugh and laugh and laugh but there is that countdown going still so I keep moving to the second core which I manage to get to and activate as well. Then I find Kenson again, ranting and raving and dammit I just want to shoot her and oh shit I can! So I do! But she was holding a button that set off an explosion and kinda rocked my socks for a second.

Oh well, this thing is heading towards the relay which means it is definitely time to get off of it. I call the Normandy, but there’s interference and I can’t get through. Shit shit shit. I stomp around a bit, and then find that there’s a comm tower outside that should be able to call them. My god how are they not just ciricling around outside? How have they not put up “MISSING: COMMANDER SHEPARD. REWARD IF FOUND. LAST SEEN DRUNK OFF HER ASS” signs?

I get outside, after first stopping in an empty room to check if there’s any upgrade in it maybe or perhaps a crate of minerals just sitting around that I could take. Oh how nice! There is stuff for me! At least this wasn’t all for naught!

Outside I fight off the last few dudes and try to call the Normandy from the comm tower. I am rudely interrupted however by goddamn Harbinger. He tells me that I am annoying and it’s useless to fight or something. Dude, seriously. Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t fight back. It’s not like if we surrender you will work out a treaty with us! You JUST WANT TO KILL US. WE MIGHT AS WELL FIGHT BACK.


Harbie goes away though and the Normandy thankfully picks me up. We make it through the mass relay just before it is hit by the asteroid and explodes. Whew!

Back on the Normandy, Admiral Hackett has apparently come by in person to tell me how awesome I am. No wait, he says people are upset because of all those Batarians I killed. Hmmph. And I need to go stand trial? JESUS H.

FINE. I’ll do it. BUT LATER.

He also says he would give me a medal if it was up to him. Like 300,000 medals?  Let’s do this. Oh it’s not up to him though so I guess no medals for me. Dang it.

The Admiral leaves and I head up to my room. I need a drink and a nap.

I am going to get so drunk that I pass out until March.




Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Object Rho-NO!

I follow Dr. Kenson into this building where I look at stuff and poke through boxes for minerals while she blathers on about who even knows what. I wish I could find something to drink around here. I wish I had gotten drunk in Kasumi’s room before coming on this mission. Goddammit, why didn’t I do that? I feel like I’m slipping. Well, I know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get back to the ship is already. Maybe I could convince Garrus to just swing down there and bring some of that booze up to my cabin for me. I mean he already brought me booze once, he’s coming up from that floor anyways, this is a great idea!

Finally Kenson leads me to a room, saying Object Rho is in inside. She opens the door and sure enough, there is this massive reaper artifact just sitting in the middle of the room like it ain’t no fuckin’ thing. Let’s all touch it and rub it and lick it and what not. I ask her if she’s maybe crazy just leaving something dangerous like this all out in the open and stuff and she says no, they really love it right there, it really pulls the room together.

For some reason I decide to get really close to it and all lovey dovey with it because I have a great history of touching artifacts and having it go really well. Of course the thing zaps me and I have a weird vision of reapers getting close to this mass relay.  When I snap back out of it, Kenson is pointing her gun at me and says she won’t let me destroy the relay and stop the reapers. Then she tells everyone else to get me and runs out of the room all crazy-like, instead of just shooting me when she had like a million chances. The room quickly fills with guys and keeps filling with guys and I have to keep shooting and shooting and shooting them and there seems to be no goddamn end to this shit. Suddenly the reaper artifact zaps me and I collapse in a heap, the last thing I see being Kenson with some crazy eyes staring down at me.

So I would’ve assumed they would just shoot me then, right? But no they take me prisoner, and I wake up a bit later in my civvies (I guess these guys had a cerberus uniform laying around in my size I could wear). I appear to be in a clinic area and when I come to the scientist doctor lady in there with me freaks the shit out and runs from the room. Oh my god, I ain’t fighting her, she’s got all kinds of crazy shit just in her BONES AND STUFF. I punch out two guards but the scientist has put up a force field now. Hmmph.

I look around the room and find a log to listen to. Oh then I find a way to HACK A ROBOT. SWEET DOING IT. AND NOW I HAVE SWEET ROBOT VISION. I shoot a couple of other robots (with my robot) and then shoot the scientist too. Then I find a thing to short the power to that force field so I shoot that and woo, I am free and I think that robot exploded? I don’t remember, I’m FREE!

I quickly find a cabinet with all my weapons and armor in it and I get changed even faster than I did on Kasumi’s mission. I mean split second, magic changing.  I check to see if there’s any booze around here anywhere, already knowing that there’s not, and then I sigh and head towards the door.

Time to fuck up this mass relay.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment