jordynnolz.com

We head to Sur’Kesh to look into this whole krogan females and genophage cure and salarians thing. I’m really excited because I am totally gonna meet a female krogan finally. I bring along Garrus and Javik, and Wrex is a little “the fuck is that?” at the fact that I have a prothean just hanging out with me like it ain’t no thing. He calls the Normandy a traveling freak show and WHOA THERE’S AN IDEA. Okay, we got the last remaining prothean; we’ll glue a beard to Liara, that’s our bearded asari; and of course, James Vega: The Strongest Man Alive. COME SEE EDI! THE ROBOT WHO IS ALSO A SPACESHIP WHO ALSO THINKS SHE’S A GODDAMN COMEDIAN!

This is a great idea. 

Suddenly we’re landing though the salarians are being rather coy about their female krogans. Ooooh maybe we got some of those around here. Wrex is in a hurry, but if these salarians are gonna be like this then guess what, I can waste time too. OH CAN I EVER. I talk to a few other salarians, including Major Kirrahe and one guy who I bother by just continuing to poke at stuff. He eventually tells me that it’s a fecal analyzer. Which okay, if you really wanted me to stop, why didn’t you say that immediately? And dude, I got gloves on, I don’t care I will touch anything with these. You heard me: ANYTHING.

The very SECOND I finally decide to head down to the basement or whatever though, that very goddamn second, the lab on Sur’Kesh is suddenly under attack! We get on the elevator, as is my usual practice in an emergency, and head downstairs to find this female krogan.

Down in the lab, I find Mordin! Hey Mordin! I’ve been here for a while, why didn’t you ride this elevator up and say hi? Eh, you were probably busy. I ask him about the female krogans and he says they’re all dead except one. Wow, that’s…unfortunate. I was really hoping we could not cut something so close for once.

IS THIS THE KROGAN FEMALE!? Oh my god she…hmm, she’s got a lot of robes on. Today is just one disappointment after another.

Wrex is insistent we get the female to him and the Normandy right away, but the salarians suggest we just hole up here for a while, we got lots of non-perishable food and this pistol amp. Mordin agrees with Wrex though and we start moving this krogan outta here. Aaaaaand…I’m taking that pistol amp. Yeah. I don’t even use pistols.

Mordin is gonna ride up with the krogan in the a weird pod thing, and tells me, Garrus, and Javik to take the elevator. We hit the button, it opens and OH FUCK A BOMB. And it is blowing up NOW. It’s like something I rigged to explode, it blows up so fast.

We find a different way out and start climbing some ladders and what not.  We got up top and see that our attacker is Cerberus! I don’t know what they want with this krogan, but dammit guys. I’m gonna kick your asses. Are you seriously just listening in on my communications and following me, just to bug me? LOOK, I’M SORRY I RAN AWAY WITH YOUR SPACESHIP.

On the way up, we run into Kirrahe who has a gun that is giving Garrus major gun lust. He asks why he doesn’t have one himself, so I say I’ll get him one sometime. As long as he keeps the wine coming.

We get all the way up top and everything seems cool when suddenly Cerberus awkwardly drops an Atlas on top of us. Wrex says “just kill it already” so I do. Just as I break its glass open I also blow it up though, so victory was a little bittersweet. Ehhh, at least we’re done here and can go find booze…

As we start to climb into the shuttle, one more Cerberus dude shows up and the krogan lady pops out and blasts him! NICE.

Let’s get back to the Normandy!

Back on the ship, I discuss this GODDAMN WAR with Anderson. I call him “sir” and he tells me not to be so formal with him, even though I’m having this conversation in a damned hoodie and am probably a little hungover (or maybe still drunk!)

I head down to talk to Garrus instead, and he wants to talk about sad war stuff. I kinda space off and just listen to his voice but not all the sad coming out of it and wonder if I maybe he’ll take his pants off. I sigh, and leave.

I go to Javik’s room but he’s not in there. And there’s a bunch of his crap just on the floor. What are we, animals? Hey, Mr. Everyone Else Is Primitives! We have things called TABLES and we use them for things other than just washing our damn hands all the time! So maybe, ya know, with the stuff?

Javik is down in Jack’s old hidey hole, so I go down to see what he thinks he’s doing down there. He tells me he senses a lot of anger in that space. Ummm, my space hamster? No, it was probably Jack. The hamster WAS down here though dude, and it probably pooped like, a lot. So I’m gonna suggest heading back to your room and your weird water tables. In fact I would probably advise against doing random exploring and touching on this ship, I really just would. I would especially avoid my cabin, Garrus’s room, and the cargo bay. I don’tknowwhat James and Steve do there…but I wouldn’t want to find out with my HANDS.

Speaking of Steve, I go chat with him and tell him that maybe he should get off the ship now and then. James loves to get into trouble on the Citadel, maybe you boys could have some fun together! In fact let’s go to the Citadel right now!

To the Citadel! I get drunk! Wooo! Okay, back to THIS GODDAMN WAR

I really feel like this war is cramping my style, but I head to wherever I was supposed to go and we get as many diplomats as we can in my little dirty room surrounded by piles of crates and exposed wires and have a little meeting. I even go so far as to change out of my hoodie for it! Everyone is super mad though. Wow. This ain’t going well.

Wrex says that sure totally the Krogan will be totally down with helping the turians if maybe we could just get that little genophage thing cured. Then there will be lots of Krogan to fight in the war? I was kind of hoping for more immediate help, but I guess if we can cure it? Everyone else seems to think curing it is pretty hopeless but Wrex happens to know that I have Maelon’s data still. I do, I think? Ho, boy…that data is…somewhere. I don’t know, I assume SOMEONE has it, this ship got kinda worked over by the Alliance. Did Mordin take it? Maybe Mordin took it. I’m gonna assume that. I don’t know, but let’s go to this lab or whatever and see if we can get a cure going.

I head to Grissom Acadamy because Traynor seemed to think it sounded important and maybe I should stop just dicking around on the Citadel for like five fucking minutes. I arrive, and surprise surprise! Cerberus is attacking! I start to think this theme is going to get real old, real fast. You fuckers again? Ugh.

A chick named Kahlee Sanders opens the cargo doors and lets me in, I talk to her for a bit and she tells me the place is full of biotics students and that need rescuing and also tells me that she used to know Anderson. I give her “I don’t really need details about THAT” look and we begin to talk escape plan instead.

The students are with their instructor and Garrus, Liara, and I start working our way in that direction. There’s a really obnoxious voice over the whole time and I start to look for a  speaker to shoot out, or a noise-canceling helmet upgrade or anything.  I finally get to the students and OH MY GOD THEIR INSTRUCTOR IS JACK! IT’S JACK! She’s got some hair and almost two thirds of shirt and at least half of a jacket an-ow! She hit me! Oooowwwww…

She’s wicked mad at me about Cerberus attacking and me working with me back whenever, before I blacked out for several months. I’m sorry! I was pretty douchy to them though! I really didn’t try to help them at all and I let you blow that place up and I always wore really obnoxious clothes when talking to the Illusive Man. And on top of all that, I’m totally killing them now!

Garrus makes some comment and Jack says “bite me” and then suggest that Garrus bite ME instead and that I probably like it.

I TRY NOT TO BLUSH BUT YEAH I TOTALLY DO.

Our original plan is a no go, but we find another path out through the atrium. We start to head that way, but Cerberus hacks into the students’ omnitools and tries to tell them that it’s useless and they should just surrender. That’s pretty stupid though, since I’m Shepard guys, and I came in here with badasses, and just seem to be finding more badasses as I go along. Your odds aren’t getting any better, Cerberus!

I start to think maybe I spoke too soon though as this fight through the atrium is getting a little rocky. It doesn’t help that apparently ONE OF THESE TURRETS IS INVISIBLE OH MY GOD. It’s just mowing us down, that’s not even fair! The only good thing about it being invisible is that Garrus can’t run right over to it and hug it.

We finally get through that ordeal and pass some students including that Archer kid from Overlord who I recognize because of math and he’s still bald. I guess they weren’t just shaving him up to keep him strapped to devices.  Some chick in the bubble with him is giving me some wicked bitchface but everyone gets assured that I am cool.

As I continue through the school, I stumble upon an oblivious engineer standing next to a busted Atlas. I glance at Liara and Garrus. Does he notice us? I don’t think he notices us…

I think about scoping and dropping him but a different idea occurs to me. I have Liara put a singularity on him, so that suddenly while minding his own business, he is pulled into a biotic field and starts hovering in midair. In the middle of his confusion, I detonate the singularity and laugh my ass off. I keep walking, but pause at the Atlas the engineer had been standing next to.

The glass is busted out but…hmmm. I approach it, and climb inside. OH MAN, YES. NOW I AM THE GIANT ATTACK ROBOT MUAHAHAHAHA!

I stomp around a room as Cerberus troopers swarm in and are immediately destroyed by my AMAZING ATLAS POWERS. And then OH NO! Another Atlas! Atlas fight! But guess what, I WIN! And I rescue all the students and I am the goddamn best.

On the shuttle ride, the students talk excitedly about fighting the reapers next. Hmmm, yeah, about that…you know what how about you just hang out and make bubbles for people? I gotta be honest, you weren’t that helpful just now. Sorry. They say that they’ll still get some shots in and I agree, we’ll all get shots in.

Now.

Because we are going to the bar.

I head back up to the CIC and check my email. Miranda wants to meet on the Citadel and Kaidan wants me to stop by again. Jeesh dude, I need my space. Ain’t no ring on this finger and it wouldn’t be with you anyways! Stop calling me! Get a little Canadian whiskey in the guy and he’s all CLING CLING CLING.

I do a little chitchatting on the ship before heading that way and find out that apparently Javik is having trouble with the separate male/female restroom thing. First I feel bad for him touching ANYTHING in there. No amount of bleach is getting out what has happened in those bathrooms. Then I am immediately pissed off that apparently both bathrooms even OPEN for him. I can’t even go in the men’s room if I WANT to! And I am the goddamn commander. This is such bullshit.

At the Citadel, I go to the bar again to see if there’s any booze to drink yet and fuck yeah! There is! I drink as much as I can until I black out and wake up on Aria’s couch. She seems none too pleased. I think it’s pretty funny and wish I had been able to pass out on her old couch on Omega. She’s a fun person to upset. I rush back up the stairs and drink some more until I wake up in the elevator where everyone else there is judging me. WHATEVER. I’M SAVING THE GALAXY. THIS IS PART OF THE PROCESS. I run back to the bar one more time but apparently that little outburst got me cut off. Fine,  what was I actually doing here? Oh right! Miranda!

I find Miranda down by the docking bay. MIRANDA COME BACK TO THE NORMANDY. My scanner is all slow and no one else wears as much spandex! Although EDI is a robot now, and from what I can tell, she doesn’t wear clothes at all. Miranda tells me that she’s once again worried about her sister and that she once again thinks her father is involved. Do uh, do you want me to go shoot things again? I’ll totally do that. She doesn’t though. Oh well. I tell her I’ll see her around, I guess and check what else I can do to put off seeing Kaidan for the moment.

I drop some stuff off with the merchant guy, who then gives his guns to that turian who then whatever you know that whole favor chain to recruit the Blue Suns. It’s all wrapped up.

While down in the market area, I notice an asari at the cafe that looks familiar. She might look more familiar if I were a bit more drunk but hey! It’s the bartender from Illium! Oh, she’s gonna give me a drink. Sweet! This should help jog my memory a lot. Can I have a free drink every time I come by? I mean, you made A LOT of credits off me back in the day.  I mean it was like, THOUSANDS of credits.

She calls me a bag of dicks and I tell her I know that she’s Liara’s dad. So…who’s a bag of dicks now, huh? (It’s Udina, he’s a bag of dicks.) She doesn’t want to talk to Liara though, so I walk the ten feet to where Liara is sitting instead.

Liara says she knows the bartender is her dad but she also doesn’t want to talk to her. Goddammit I will drag you by the tentacles over there and then buy us all drinks until we are just telling lots of embarrassing stories. She finally agrees because my stern face is powerful.

Eventually I get to the hospital and see Kaidan. He’s up and walking around and I have absolutely no idea what he is still doing in this hospital taking up an entire room when there are definitely other injured people just rolling around on the floor outside. He tells me he’s decided to take the offer to become a Spectre, and he’s amazed that he’ll be the SECOND HUMAN SPECTRE.

Noooo, no no no. I was first, then I died, then I was reinstated so I was second too. You get to be third.

Actually I wanna be third too, and because I am the first and second I get dibs on third. You can be the fourth.

Kaidan Alenko, the fourth human Spectre!

That still sounds nice, right? Good job, buddy!

Back on the Normandy, I rush to engineering to find that Ken and Gabby are ALREADY back on my ship. I check how they’re doing and make sure they’re not buggin’ Engineer Adams too much with their trademark hi-jinkery.

They tell me that those cufflinks or whatever I got for them before are still on the Normandy and still working great! Oh okay so…the Normandy left THOSE alone but made my fuel tank all tiny and my scanner all slow? The fuck.

I decide to head to Eden Prime and check out this thing there. On the way, Garrus complains about bureaucrats and I say maybe later we can go kill some bureaucrats, if it’ll make him feel better.

We get to Eden Prime and find a weird stasis pod like the ones that were on Ilos. We can’t help but assume that there must be a prothean in it and Liara is pretty much wetting herself in excitement. OH MY GOD. A PROTHEAN? HE’S GOING TO BE AMAZING I JUST KNOW IT. OH I HOPE HE THINKS MY TENTACLE HEAD IS CUTE!

Yeah, calm it down for a second.

We wonder for a bit if maybe it’s some super smart prothean in stasis because of how important he is. Frankly, once the thought crosses any of our minds, I’m immediately sure it’s going to be some random prothean who was a disappointment to his parents.

At any rate, we need to get this pod open to find out for sure. I check around it for an owner’s manual, but there’s not one anywhere.  We start checking around Eden Prime because maybe (probably (definitely)) there’s prothean shit laying around I can touch to figure stuff out.

We fight through some Cerberus guys and find JUST THAT! My handy cipher plays a craaaazy prothean flashback for me and I see part of the stasis pod. As I snap out of it, Liara asks me, shocked, “You understood all that?”

I reply, “You didn’t?” because I am an asshole.

Oh, you can’t understand prothean stuff by simply touching it? You studied this stuff for your entire life and you can’t just touch it to figure it out? I just touch it. It’s super nice.

There’s more Cerberus and we find more information on the stasis pod that I again get with what I will now call my MAGIC FINGERS. I get to watch a fun little prothean movie and then rub it in Liara’s face when I’m done.

Yeah it’s cool I’m learning more about the species you are all way obsessed with.

We head back to the stasis pod which is getting swarmed by Cerberus dicks. Garrus keeps running over to turrets to try to destroy them with his hugs. It doesn’t work, but I finish the Cerberus off myself with my gun. Finally we get the prothean out of the pod and SURPRISE he is not a scientist. He’s a soldier. And he’s kinda freaking out because everything is different.

We get him back on the Normandy, and he shacks up in Grunt’s old room in port cargo. I go down to see what’s up, and find a few of my crewmembers standing there pointing guns at him. They apparently let him decorate though and maybe bring in a fog machine too.

Javik likes to rant about everything we do being primitive. This is primitive, that’s primitive, your shirts are primitive, your state-of-the-art spaceship is primitive…

OH BUT YOUR COOL CHEESECLOTH CURTAINS THOSE AREN’T PRIMITIVE????

I tell him about that prothean beacon we found back in the day and he gets all pissed at me for not heeding their warnings. Okay first off buddy, even I could barely understand your weird blood slideshow. Secondly, I tried to warn people but all I got was stupid airquotes in return. Third, I did kill one reaper and I blew up a mass relay so I’ve been holding those fuckers back practically single-handedly so far (okay single-crew-edly.)

I ask him if he’s knows anything about that Crucible thing we’re trying to build and of course he doesn’t. OF COURSE HE DOESN’T.

The prothean explains that he can sense stuff with his hands. He can touch the floor of the room and figure out who used to be in it, he can touch all sorts of things and figure out what sort of things happened or lived on or around it.

Reeeaaally?

I am immediately making a list of things to make him touch that will be HILARIOUS to see his reaction to.

1. My bed.
2. My shower.
3. The Thanix cannon
4. That weird orb thing in the lounge (I want to know what it is (also Garrus and I had sex on it))

Finally I ask him what his name is and he says it’s Javik. Well Javik, you seem fun! I’m gonna go work on this list some more! I’ll try to lead with the name stuff next time!

I feel like I have been on the Citadel forever but there’s still more stuff to do here. I should put a cot in this elevator so I can take naps in it. Maybe decorate it a little.

I find a batarian who works for Aria and is gonna help set up this deal with the Blood Pack. We duck into a room and he insists I pretend that he captured me. I guess we’re gonna win the Blood Pack over with a hilarious comedy routine. These vorcha dudes are the funny ones though! The one says that he’s gonna use my head as a hood ornament which I didn’t realize they still had in space or on space cars. Maybe he thinks hood ornaments are something he just invented and he’s gonna have the first one. Anyway, we shoot that vorcha since apparently the deal is with his little vorcha backstabbing friend. He says that I scratched his back so he’ll scratch mine.

Gross. Please I would like nothing to do with your back.

 Blood Pack on my side, I head over to these stores where Barla Von is. (I know there’s more merc group stuff to do, but Barla is just right over there so…)

Barla says he’s still working for the Shadow Broker and that the Shadow Broker would like me to know that he supports me.  I bite my lip and try not to start rolling with laughter. UH HUH. OKAY BARLA. Did the uh…SHADOW BROKER have any other messages for me? Does “he” want me to pick anything up while I’m out? Space Milk or anything?

Anyway, Barla says the Shadow Broker wants me to save some of “his” operatives from some planet. I say sure, just write it down in my journal for me, and then wonder for a minute if maybe Liara didn’t take that break up as well as she said she did and now we’re just gonna communicate awkwardly through intermediary Shadow Broker agents.

I try not to let the thought of these possible ex-girlfriend troubles bother me and instead find that salarian Spectre that had e-mailed me, Jondom Bau. He tells me he’s worried about some possibly indoctrinated hanar. He explains his reasons for this but the details have been lost to my short attention span. Jondom needs me to check out some terminals and I start to wonder what life is like for other Spectres. Every other one I’ve met has died, most of them by my hand. I mean, I’m checking terminals for this guy, could I have other Spectres check terminals for me? Does Jondom spend a lot of his time checking terminals? Is that where he got this idea for shaking me down for free terminal checking services?

I don’t have the answers to these questions! But I wish I did!

Jondom also mentions that he’s trying to track down a thief by the name of Kasumi Goto who helped tip him off to this problem. I try to look immediately excited. Ooooh a thief? Interesting! I’ve never uh…met any thieves!

Kasumi shows up and cloaks and follows me around while I do all my errand running and work on Jondom’s thingermajig. UNG HER CLOAK. I wanna cloak forever! TEACH ME HOW.

We eventually track this hanar down who is NOT indoctrinated but is in fact craaaaaaazy. Hanar love protheans and the protheans became Collectors and the Collectors serve the reapers so goddammit, I need a drink. We manage to stop this hanar, but not before Kasumi has to come out of her hiding spot and hack a computer which then explodes and kills her all Obi-wan style, where you disappear when you die. I thank Jondom for the help…or he thanked me? Thanks were given. Anyways, once he’s gone I tell Kasumi to come back out because she ain’t dead.

I suggest she go help the Crucible project and she says she’s a thief, not a scientist! Well maybe you can…steal some scientists for them, I don’t know! I convince her to go on her merry way there and continue on with my Citadel business.

I check the Spectre console and notice a pardon for Ken and Gabby! I guess they’re in trouble for helping me with Cerberus. Ya know, if they’re gonna let me do all this shit and put me in charge of so much stuff, could they edit that news report that keeps calling me a “disgraced spectre?” I mean c’mon.

My last piece of work here is to deal with the Eclipse. I go to C-Sec and ask to talk to Jona Sedaris, the Eclipse leader they want released to get their allegiance. But maaaaaan, bitch be cray-cray. She says her second-in-command doesn’t have the balls to take over though.

Hmm…well

Let’s go find some balls for him then.

I find her second-in-command, a salarian named Sayn and convince him that uh duh, she’s in jail and you should take over. Also I scanned a planet and found you these balls. So DO IT already.

It works beautifully and I can finally head back to my spaceship…

Down at the docks, I leave the elevator and am immediately greeted by another argument, this time a refugee trying to get permission for a ship to land and let some more people off. A lady is telling him that there’s no more room for people. I look around. Uhhh there’s like LOTS of empty couches and stuff in here. I’m pretty sure you can fit this dude’s family in. In fact, you let people in until EVERY couch is completely FULL. Okay? That’s my Spectre ruling.

I wander around a bit and in a corner find Kelly! Hey Kelly! She tells me that she’s left Cerberus. Ummm yeah, I mean, maybe you sent in an official resignation but I kinda just stole the Normandy and everyone on it, including the Cerberus crew. If any of them had a problem with it, no one said anything so…I just assumed we were ALL quitting. In fact, if I find that any of those people are still with Cerberus, I’m gonna be fucking pissed at them!

I ask Kelly if she wants to come back to the Normandy and she says she’d rather not because it brings out her Thane-esque freakouts. I suggest she change her identity, as Cerberus might still be after anyone associated with me and she’s just hanging out here all la-de-da lookit me it’s KELLY CHAAAAAMMBERSSS.

Then, OH MY GOD SHE HAS MY FISH! HURRAY! Oh man thank you, I was kinda worried they might have been hidden somewhere on the Normandy still like all of my other stuff.  Just flopping around on a floor somewhere, gasping for a breath. I mean who knows what the fuck that hamster was eating…

In the next makeshift “room” over, I find Garrus standing around giving orders with his sultry voice and I just stand there and listen to him lustfully for a while. Is one of these giant crate things empty? We’re gonna, uh…borrow it for a minute.

Next to Garrus is a holographic um…me. It’s me. It’s one of those Shepard VIs. Wait Garrus, are you hanging out over here because you like hanging out by me? That is adorable. I talk to the VI for a bit and then, whoa did it just hit on me? What do you say Garrus? Take the VI back to Normandy? Put it in my cabin, see where the night takes us?

Off to the side, I see the leader of the Blue Suns that Aria wanted me to talk to, Darner Vosque. He wants me to do a favor for him before the Blue Suns will join up, and that favor is to kill a guy. Hmm, yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen. I tell him this and as he saunters off, he says something how he’s gonna be getting all up on that Aria. I guess he doesn’t know her one rule: No one fucks Aria.

…I may be misremembering that.

I call Aria up and she’s like FIGURE IT OUT UGH. Whatever! I’m gonna go look at these stores first.

This store has a VI to feed my fish. Ummmm, ‘scuse me? That is bullshit. Traynor’s gonna feed them, right? She’s standing in the fish-feeder spot. I mean, if you’re gonna be standing there, watching my messages, you gotta feed my fish. That’s the rule. She can stand somewhere else!

I find that guy Darner wanted me to kill: a turian named General Oraka. Wow, there was NO WAY I’d kill a sexy turian for him! I talk to General Oraka about laying off the Blue Suns, so they’ll help me and he says he will if I can get him some better guns. Yeah okay, hold on, let me write this down. I’m already starting to forget who I’m doing what for.

At another store, I find a weapons merchant, and he agrees to give Oraka some weapons if I can get him some other stuff GODDAMN DAISY CHAIN OF FAVORS.

FINE.

Joker and EDI are also hanging out by the stores. I talk to EDI who starts asking me questions about relationships and dating and what to do and oh my god, I am the worst person for these questions, EDI. You HAVE to know this. You have to have FOOTAGE of this from security cams. My relationships have all been well-lubricated with alcohol.

You want my advice on how to get all up on that Joker?

Get him drunk.

*SHRUG*

We arrive at the Citadel and I decide to head right to the hospital to find Thane because 1. TEAM SEXY SNIPER REUNION and 2. maybe he can fill in some of what happened the last few months. I find him standing near a window just throwing some air punches, even though he gave me that fake name to find him with. Thane, I don’t need a fake name to find you hanging out in the lobby.

I walk over to him and he asks me what I’m doing here. I ummm…you emailed me. You were like “Shepard come see me!” So…so I did. Is this a trick question, Thane? I mention Kaidan’s broken ass in the hospital and he says he’ll keep an eye on him for me. We sit down and I ask Thane to come back to the Normandy PLEASE GARRUS AND I MISS YOU. He’s not gonna come along though and he also doesn’t know what I did in that drunken stupor I had been in. Well, bummer.

I continue through the hospital and find a lady arguing with a receptionist about the name of the hospital. I stare at both of them for a while. …The fuck is this conversation even…I side with the receptionist mostly because I can’t believe this other chick would waste a hospital receptionist’s time right now with bullshit like this. I don’t really feel like I know enough about whatever they’re talking about to make any sort of informed decision. I just really want them to stop and do something useful instead. Or go get drunk I don’t even care.

You know what nevermind, I’m gonna go find something else to do.

They’re still talking about cutting off this guy’s leg. Do you guys want me to do it? I have an omni-blade. One quick swipe, BAM leg’s gone. I’ll totally do it!

I head finally to Kaidan’s room where he’s talking to councilor Udina about the Spectre position they’ve offered him. Udina leaves and Kaidan says he’s still thinking about it. He’s also still apparently thinking about putting more clothes on. We talk a bit and I tell him I got him a present then hand him that bottle of whiskey I bought.

WAIT WHAT?

THAT WAS…I WANTED THAT WHISKEY. THAT WAS FOR ME.

What in the fuck, for reals.

Fine, I got another person that wanted to talk to me and SHE wanted to meet at a NIGHTCLUB.

To Aria!

I get to Purgatory and immediately check every open bar space for booze. There’s none. I am upset. I go find Aria instead then. Omega apparently got taken over by Cerberus assholes and now she’s holed up here, but she’s at least got this whoooooole couch to herself. It’s almost as good as running your own space station, right?

Aria has a sweet idea for the war though. Remember all those merc groups I used to beat up back in the day, with their different colored armors and themes? I could get THOSE GUYS to fight REAPERS for me! I gotta be honest, most of them are probably gonna die! Let’s do this!

Also in the bar is James! Guess he managed to find part of the Citadel he likes.  He acts surprised to see me at the bar. Hahahahahaha, oh James. Ooooooh James. You are just too much. Of course I’m gonna be at the bar, you silly muscled-up goof, you. While I’m there, I’m buy a drink for all the soldiers because I am just the coolest Spectre ever.

After making one more pass through the bar, I find a place to dance (I apparently learned a NEW dance!) but still no place to buy a drink. So fuck this, I’ll check back later for booze.

In the meantime, I got more floors of this place to explore, so down to the docks I go…

I prance excitedly down the hall to the main battery, practically bursting at the seams with excitement and already forgetting whatever just happened with EDI. Robot body or something I don’t even care anymore, everyone can do what they want on the pleasure skiff.

The door to Garrus’s room opens and…he’s not standing at his little console. In fact I don’t immediately see him at all. Ummm…wait I can HEAR him. Talking to Primarch Victus. Uh, is Garrus haunting me? No wait there he is. I patiently wait for him to finish his talk with Victus and then walk over to him, admiring how much more space he suddenly has in his room. You could probably sleep comfortably in here now somewhere!

He’s a little unsure as to where we stand because I guess he didn’t notice me staring at his ass back on that moon. He offers to go get more scars if I’m, for some reason, only into dudes with fresh scars and/or lots of  bandages. No, it’s okay Garrus. Your scars are sexy but you don’t need new ones every few months.

I finally just stop his awkward, adorable babbling with a kiss on the mandible/cheek area and SUGGEST WE DO IT RIGHT HERE ON THE BIG GUN, RIGHT NOW. Instead we talk some more about this war (Goddamn this war) and I am like daaaaamn, I look good in the light in your room, Garrus. I am just gon’ stay here. Finally I figure I should get upstairs and check on this EDI/robot situation but Garrus has a surprise for me first?

OOH IS IT DIRTY BUSINESS?

No, but it’s still pretty good.

IT’S MORE WINE! OKAY FUCK WHATEVER I WAS GONNA DO! LET’S DRINK THIS WINE RIGHT NOW!

I do eventually make it upstairs to EDI-bot and Joker where I suddenly realize that there’s a door between the cockpit and the rest of the CIC. I am fairly sure that door wasn’t here before I blacked out for several months and woke up on Earth…

I go in the cockpit to find Joker practically breaking his bones in excitement. I ask EDI if she’s still adjusting to greeting people in person and she says she only needs to do something once to get used to it. Oh. Well. What’s the opposite of a humble brag? Oh, I think that’s just a brag. GOOD FOR YOU EDI. We talk a bit, and she asks me if I expect my squadmates to think for themselves. Oh god, yes, of course I do. Are you kidding me? I often expect them to think for ME too. They usually DON’T, but it’d be nice.

She asks me about altering her programming and what I think she should do. Uuuuuh I think you should decide yourself. HAHAHA FINALLY! FINALLY I GET TO TELL SOMEONE TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN GODDAMN MIND ABOUT SOMETHING! BEST DAY EVER!

I leave her and Joker in the cockpit but kiiiinda want to ask that they keep this door open, at least when it’s possible I might be coming into the cockpit look I don’t wanna walk in on anything!

I head towards the galaxy map, when Traynor tells me I have some new messages. Sweet!

I check my terminal and see that one is from Aria asking me to meet her on the Citadel IN A NIGHTCLUB! Oh thank the fucking stars! A nightclub!

Another is from Kaidan saying to come visit and another is from Thane! Oh Thane! He’s also at Huerta Memorial and says to find him under some fake name. I guess he doesn’t know that I just wander into any part of that hospital I want all willy-nilly like.

Okay! I got like, a few different stops to make now oh hell Traynor wants to tell me more stuff.

She says Grissom Academy needs help and mentions that the turian signal seemed to be fake in that EDI said it was similar to one used to lure me to a collector ship. Traynor seems confused by that and I tell her it’s a long story.

(IT’S NOT. A FAKE TURIAN SIGNAL LURED US TO A COLLECTOR SHIP! THE END!)

I tell her I’ll check THAT out too, just write it in my journal for me. Thanks!

First thing’s first though…TO THE CITADEL.

While they are trying to get the Primarch to us, the turians need help defending an airfield. The three of us head over to it and they tell me to get on a turret and go to town. But this turret can fuuuuuuck off. I was not meant to fire lots of bullets really fast. I was meant to fire one huge gun really slowly and be invisible. I CAN’T BE INVISIBLE ON THIS TURRET.

A giant fucking reaper-fied krogan with a turian head attacks us and after killing it, we decide we can’t wait around for someone else to bring us the Primarch. We need to go get him ourselves, and start walking towards his position. Thus began my new mission…

Priority: Stare at Garrus’s Ass While He Leads Us Somewhere

We walk past some soldiers and check that they’re okay, and finally see the area where Victus is at but reapers are attacking it. FUCK! We need to get in there and get Victus out fast, I can’t spend what’s left of my life just hunting down new Primarchs every 20 minutes.

We finally get to Victus and tell him of his upgraded status. He’s a little shocked but takes a few minutes to say goodbye to his men while I take a few minutes to talk to Garrus. Victus is ready to leave and we all climb aboard the Normandy.

On the ship Victus says he can get me the turian help I need, if I can get him the krogan help the turians need. Goddammit, this is just a daisy chain of favors I gotta fucking run here.

Meanwhile the asari councilor tells me they won’t be coming to our summit. Because I don’t know, they suck or something. I guess they don’t actually want to defeat the reapers all that badly.

After finishing that conversation, I get about 10 feet from the room before finding out that Hackett also wants to talk to me on vidcomm, godDAMMIT just send me an email or something, I wanna go talk to Garrus.

On my way out of the war room, I check in with Victus quick who says Garrus told him he was gonna be busy calibrating. FUCKNUTS! I really gotta get down to the main battery before he gets all caught up in that!

I head to the CIC when all of a sudden the lights start flickering again. Joker tells me EDI is offline and I need to get down to the AI Core because I will know how to fix this somehow! Unless I can fix it by matching up four different symbols on a microchip-y thing, or maybe matching code to other code the most I’m gonna do is stand there, but okay. Really all my tech skills come down to my matching abilities.

Engineer Adams is waiting outside the AI Core with some other dude and a fire extinguisher. We open the door and spray down some spots of flame. I hope that my sweet hoodie doesn’t get any burns on it, when out from the fire emerges that robot we picked up on Mars. AND EDI’S VOICE COMING OUT OF IT.

EDI YOU ARE A LADY ROBOT NOW WHAT?

She explains that while trying to extract the information from the robot some stuff something something (I got distracted here, wasn’t this body all charred up before? did someone come in and buff you?) And now she’s in the robot body! Hurrah!

EDI explains that she can come with me on missions and I ask her to run a bunch of tests on the body first to make sure it’s not gonna choke a crew member out or anything. She pauses for a second and then says the tests are complete.

Um yeah…

Not to be a pessimist, or to doubt you or anything EDI, but can you find some MORE tests then? And also run them? When you do it that fast, I can’t help but think you’re just fucking with me, honestly.

She heads upstairs and states that Joker will want to see the new body. Oh yes, he will.

And as much I want to watch this conversation happen, I…am already on deck three now.

TO THE MAIN BATTERY I GO!

TO GARRUS!

FINALLY!