Dock Jams (Y’all Ready For This?)

Down at the docks, I leave the elevator and am immediately greeted by another argument, this time a refugee trying to get permission for a ship to land and let some more people off. A lady is telling him that there’s no more room for people. I look around. Uhhh there’s like LOTS of empty couches and stuff in here. I’m pretty sure you can fit this dude’s family in. In fact, you let people in until EVERY couch is completely FULL. Okay? That’s my Spectre ruling.

I wander around a bit and in a corner find Kelly! Hey Kelly! She tells me that she’s left Cerberus. Ummm yeah, I mean, maybe you sent in an official resignation but I kinda just stole the Normandy and everyone on it, including the Cerberus crew. If any of them had a problem with it, no one said anything so…I just assumed we were ALL quitting. In fact, if I find that any of those people are still with Cerberus, I’m gonna be fucking pissed at them!

I ask Kelly if she wants to come back to the Normandy and she says she’d rather not because it brings out her Thane-esque freakouts. I suggest she change her identity, as Cerberus might still be after anyone associated with me and she’s just hanging out here all la-de-da lookit me it’s KELLY CHAAAAAMMBERSSS.

Then, OH MY GOD SHE HAS MY FISH! HURRAY! Oh man thank you, I was kinda worried they might have been hidden somewhere on the Normandy still like all of my other stuff. ┬áJust flopping around on a floor somewhere, gasping for a breath. I mean who knows what the fuck that hamster was eating…

In the next makeshift “room” over, I find Garrus standing around giving orders with his sultry voice and I just stand there and listen to him lustfully for a while. Is one of these giant crate things empty? We’re gonna, uh…borrow it for a minute.

Next to Garrus is a holographic um…me. It’s me. It’s one of those Shepard VIs. Wait Garrus, are you hanging out over here because you like hanging out by me? That is adorable. I talk to the VI for a bit and then, whoa did it just hit on me? What do you say Garrus? Take the VI back to Normandy? Put it in my cabin, see where the night takes us?

Off to the side, I see the leader of the Blue Suns that Aria wanted me to talk to, Darner Vosque. He wants me to do a favor for him before the Blue Suns will join up, and that favor is to kill a guy. Hmm, yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen. I tell him this and as he saunters off, he says something how he’s gonna be getting all up on that Aria. I guess he doesn’t know her one rule: No one fucks Aria.

…I may be misremembering that.

I call Aria up and she’s like FIGURE IT OUT UGH. Whatever! I’m gonna go look at these stores first.

This store has a VI to feed my fish. Ummmm, ‘scuse me? That is bullshit. Traynor’s gonna feed them, right? She’s standing in the fish-feeder spot. I mean, if you’re gonna be standing there, watching my messages, you gotta feed my fish. That’s the rule. She can stand somewhere else!

I find that guy Darner wanted me to kill: a turian named General Oraka. Wow, there was NO WAY I’d kill a sexy turian for him! I talk to General Oraka about laying off the Blue Suns, so they’ll help me and he says he will if I can get him some better guns. Yeah okay, hold on, let me write this down. I’m already starting to forget who I’m doing what for.

At another store, I find a weapons merchant, and he agrees to give Oraka some weapons if I can get him some other stuff GODDAMN DAISY CHAIN OF FAVORS.


Joker and EDI are also hanging out by the stores. I talk to EDI who starts asking me questions about relationships and dating and what to do and oh my god, I am the worst person for these questions, EDI. You HAVE to know this. You have to have FOOTAGE of this from security cams. My relationships have all been well-lubricated with alcohol.

You want my advice on how to get all up on that Joker?

Get him drunk.


This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *