You Oughta Prothean

Back on the Normandy, I rush to engineering to find that Ken and Gabby are ALREADY back on my ship. I check how they’re doing and make sure they’re not buggin’ Engineer Adams too much with their trademark hi-jinkery.

They tell me that those cufflinks or whatever I got for them before are still on the Normandy and still working great! Oh okay so…the Normandy left THOSE alone but made my fuel tank all tiny and my scanner all slow? The fuck.

I decide to head to Eden Prime and check out this thing there. On the way, Garrus complains about bureaucrats and I say maybe later we can go kill some bureaucrats, if it’ll make him feel better.

We get to Eden Prime and find a weird stasis pod like the ones that were on Ilos. We can’t help but assume that there must be a prothean in it and Liara is pretty much wetting herself in excitement. OH MY GOD. A PROTHEAN? HE’S GOING TO BE AMAZING I JUST KNOW IT. OH I HOPE HE THINKS MY TENTACLE HEAD IS CUTE!

Yeah, calm it down for a second.

We wonder for a bit if maybe it’s some super smart prothean in stasis because of how important he is. Frankly, once the thought crosses any of our minds, I’m immediately sure it’s going to be some random prothean who was a disappointment to his parents.

At any rate, we need to get this pod open to find out for sure. I check around it for an owner’s manual, but there’s not one anywhere. ¬†We start checking around Eden Prime because maybe (probably (definitely)) there’s prothean shit laying around I can touch to figure stuff out.

We fight through some Cerberus guys and find JUST THAT! My handy cipher plays a craaaazy prothean flashback for me and I see part of the stasis pod. As I snap out of it, Liara asks me, shocked, “You understood all that?”

I reply, “You didn’t?” because I am an asshole.

Oh, you can’t understand prothean stuff by simply touching it? You studied this stuff for your entire life and you can’t just touch it to figure it out? I just touch it. It’s super nice.

There’s more Cerberus and we find more information on the stasis pod that I again get with what I will now call my MAGIC FINGERS. I get to watch a fun little prothean movie and then rub it in Liara’s face when I’m done.

Yeah it’s cool I’m learning more about the species you are all way obsessed with.

We head back to the stasis pod which is getting swarmed by Cerberus dicks. Garrus keeps running over to turrets to try to destroy them with his hugs. It doesn’t work, but I finish the Cerberus off myself with my gun. Finally we get the prothean out of the pod and SURPRISE he is not a scientist. He’s a soldier. And he’s kinda freaking out because everything is different.

We get him back on the Normandy, and he shacks up in Grunt’s old room in port cargo. I go down to see what’s up, and find a few of my crewmembers standing there pointing guns at him. They apparently let him decorate though and maybe bring in a fog machine too.

Javik likes to rant about everything we do being primitive. This is primitive, that’s primitive, your shirts are primitive, your state-of-the-art spaceship is primitive…

OH BUT YOUR COOL CHEESECLOTH CURTAINS THOSE AREN’T PRIMITIVE????

I tell him about that prothean beacon we found back in the day and he gets all pissed at me for not heeding their warnings. Okay first off buddy, even I could barely understand your weird blood slideshow. Secondly, I tried to warn people but all I got was stupid airquotes in return. Third, I did kill one reaper and I blew up a mass relay so I’ve been holding those fuckers back practically single-handedly so far (okay single-crew-edly.)

I ask him if he’s knows anything about that Crucible thing we’re trying to build and of course he doesn’t. OF COURSE HE DOESN’T.

The prothean explains that he can sense stuff with his hands. He can touch the floor of the room and figure out who used to be in it, he can touch all sorts of things and figure out what sort of things happened or lived on or around it.

Reeeaaally?

I am immediately making a list of things to make him touch that will be HILARIOUS to see his reaction to.

1. My bed.
2. My shower.
3. The Thanix cannon
4. That weird orb thing in the lounge (I want to know what it is (also Garrus and I had sex on it))

Finally I ask him what his name is and he says it’s Javik. Well Javik, you seem fun! I’m gonna go work on this list some more! I’ll try to lead with the name stuff next time!

 

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