Jack, Jack, Jack It Up

I head to Grissom Acadamy because Traynor seemed to think it sounded important and maybe I should stop just dicking around on the Citadel for like five fucking minutes. I arrive, and surprise surprise! Cerberus is attacking! I start to think this theme is going to get real old, real fast. You fuckers again? Ugh.

A chick named Kahlee Sanders opens the cargo doors and lets me in, I talk to her for a bit and she tells me the place is full of biotics students and that need rescuing and also tells me that she used to know Anderson. I give her “I don’t really need details about THAT” look and we begin to talk escape plan instead.

The students are with their instructor and Garrus, Liara, and I start working our way in that direction. There’s a really obnoxious voice over the whole time and I start to look for a  speaker to shoot out, or a noise-canceling helmet upgrade or anything.  I finally get to the students and OH MY GOD THEIR INSTRUCTOR IS JACK! IT’S JACK! She’s got some hair and almost two thirds of shirt and at least half of a jacket an-ow! She hit me! Oooowwwww…

She’s wicked mad at me about Cerberus attacking and me working with me back whenever, before I blacked out for several months. I’m sorry! I was pretty douchy to them though! I really didn’t try to help them at all and I let you blow that place up and I always wore really obnoxious clothes when talking to the Illusive Man. And on top of all that, I’m totally killing them now!

Garrus makes some comment and Jack says “bite me” and then suggest that Garrus bite ME instead and that I probably like it.


Our original plan is a no go, but we find another path out through the atrium. We start to head that way, but Cerberus hacks into the students’ omnitools and tries to tell them that it’s useless and they should just surrender. That’s pretty stupid though, since I’m Shepard guys, and I came in here with badasses, and just seem to be finding more badasses as I go along. Your odds aren’t getting any better, Cerberus!

I start to think maybe I spoke too soon though as this fight through the atrium is getting a little rocky. It doesn’t help that apparently ONE OF THESE TURRETS IS INVISIBLE OH MY GOD. It’s just mowing us down, that’s not even fair! The only good thing about it being invisible is that Garrus can’t run right over to it and hug it.

We finally get through that ordeal and pass some students including that Archer kid from Overlord who I recognize because of math and he’s still bald. I guess they weren’t just shaving him up to keep him strapped to devices.  Some chick in the bubble with him is giving me some wicked bitchface but everyone gets assured that I am cool.

As I continue through the school, I stumble upon an oblivious engineer standing next to a busted Atlas. I glance at Liara and Garrus. Does he notice us? I don’t think he notices us…

I think about scoping and dropping him but a different idea occurs to me. I have Liara put a singularity on him, so that suddenly while minding his own business, he is pulled into a biotic field and starts hovering in midair. In the middle of his confusion, I detonate the singularity and laugh my ass off. I keep walking, but pause at the Atlas the engineer had been standing next to.

The glass is busted out but…hmmm. I approach it, and climb inside. OH MAN, YES. NOW I AM THE GIANT ATTACK ROBOT MUAHAHAHAHA!

I stomp around a room as Cerberus troopers swarm in and are immediately destroyed by my AMAZING ATLAS POWERS. And then OH NO! Another Atlas! Atlas fight! But guess what, I WIN! And I rescue all the students and I am the goddamn best.

On the shuttle ride, the students talk excitedly about fighting the reapers next. Hmmm, yeah, about that…you know what how about you just hang out and make bubbles for people? I gotta be honest, you weren’t that helpful just now. Sorry. They say that they’ll still get some shots in and I agree, we’ll all get shots in.


Because we are going to the bar.


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