Mars: A Plan

On board the Normandy, James is upset that we’re leaving Earth. Uh yeah James, buddy. You saw that shit show down there. You saw that one reaper that was like, seriously trying to have sex with a building. It was just going to town on it. We obviously need to go get some help. I am going to poke you…in the chest.

Our spirited debate is interrupted by Joker on the intercom, telling me that Hackett wants to talk to me. Good to know he’s still alive. When Anderson wondered why we hadn’t heard from him earlier, my first thought honestly was, “well he’s probably dead.” I didn’t want to say it right then though; nobody needed that Debby Downer-ness at the time.

Hackett tells me I need to go to Mars right away, as there’s problems at their Prothean dig site there and usually when they send me to weird Prothean shit, it’s all fucking daisies and sunshine for the Alliance. Not for me so much, sure, but I always find them neat shit just by touching things I’m not supposed to.

I tell Joker to point the Normandy and start eyeballing my armor. This is…not the right color. Who made it this color? Do I have time for a paint job before we get to Mars?

James, Kaidan, and I land on Mars. James points out the giant crazy dust storm in the distance and we all ooh and aah over it for a minute. Kaidan thinks it’s stupid though, and it’s just a tiny storm and its strength is no match for his UNMOVABLE POMPADOUR.

We head down a ladder and see an Alliance soldier suddenly killed execution-style by a group of troops in Cerberus uniforms.

Ummm, homie don’t play like that. I take cover, cloak, and quickly scope in on the executioner’s head. And then it’s GONE.  FUCK YOU GUYS! YEAH!

After beating that group up, Kaidan starts in with the “So Cerberus, you guys still write each other letters? You guys still Facebook friends? You still sending texts late at night? When you’re drunk?”

Goddammit Kaidan, NO. Just get on this elevator and stop bitching at me for one goddamn second. I swear I’m just gonna start sarcastically telling him that I totally do still work for Cerberus.

“Are you still with these guys, Shepard?”
“Yeah totally. I love them. I have a Cerberus tattoo even, but I can’t show it to you, it’s in a  naughty place.”

Maybe I can get some novelty contacts that look like The Illusive Man’s and sneak up on him with them in and put a cigarette out on his armor. I’M JUST REALLY UPSET AT THIS CONSTANT QUESTIONING.

We finally get up the elevator and I stop getting the third degree for a second. Instead there’s more guys to kill and then more noises coming from vents.

Vent Kid? Did you make it to Mars? THANE? IS IT THANE THIS TIME? I just know you love vents, Thane. No, it’s actually Liara! Being chased by Cerberus dudes! She kicks they asses though and it is like a goddamn Normandy class reunion up in here! Everyone put on name tags because James is confused! Aww James, you’re so adorable.

Liara explains that this site found plans for a prothean weapon that could help us in our fight against the reapers, but Cerberus is trying to get the plans instead. We need to head to a part of the facility that will involve riding on a tram and I groan wearily to myself already. Trams never go well for me.

Suddenly Cerberus is moving in on our position. I do a quick count and say to myself FOUR people here? Nuh uh, this won’t do; I gotta make a weird excuse to send one back to the shuttle. I send James away even though I secretly want him to say. Your confusion is so adorable! Please come back and say Spanish words!

I’ll miss him, but we’ve got Cerberus to fight…

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