Anderson and I head out of the room because fuck it, they’re all dead right? It doesn’t matter, I’m in a hurry. We need to get to the Normandy. MY Normandy, but we gotta find a way to contact them and tell them where we are so we start running through the debris and shit. Anderson contacts Kaidan somehow who says he’s with Vega and they’re on the Normandy and they’ll TOTALLY pick us up.
Yeah, yeah you will.
Anderson and I are running and oh my god I jump over a small gap?! WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!?!
Anderson gives me shit for being out of a shape again and I think I’m actually in really great shape for how often I black out. I’m a functional alcoholi-OH SHIT HUSKS.
I shoot the husks with my shitty pistol, ugh what is this thing and why do I have it? Where is my giant sniper rifle instead? This thing is…upsetting. I shoot the husks but then run out of ammo. Unfortunately I can’t just throw the gun at the husks then, which is more than this GODDAMN GUN DESERVES.
Since I’m out of ammo, I run over to punch the husk when suddenly my omni-tool grows a giant knife and I stab the husk in the face! Whoa! Seriously what happened the last few months? Wait are thermal clips different again? Oh they’re not, okay. Wait what about uh, OH MY GOD I CAN HOOD SLIDE OVER THINGS? Excuse me I will be doing this the rest of the day.
Anderson and I continue working our way through the debris and buildings. We get to a broken door that I force open for Anderson, when I notice something in the vents nearby. I go over to investigate. Maybe it’s a dog or small animal or THANE! He fucking loves vents!
It’s not though, it’s that kid that was making me want to vomit earlier with his twirling. I lean down and look at him. “The hell you doin’ in this vent, kid?”
He’s scared obviously, but a weirdly calm scared that is kinda freaking me out. I think if I were like 6 years old and giant robots started making horrible noises in my backyard I would be screaming my goddamn head off.
I try to convince the kid that vents aren’t really safe places in a reaper attack and that with me is probably much safer. Even though danger tends to just FIND me wherever I go. I promise to drop you off somewhere before we get too far, I won’t make you join my Normandy crew or anything, like I usually do with every misfit and layabout I find in the galaxy.
Anderson yells at me and I turn to be like, “What dude, I’m talking to this vent kid!” but when I turn back the vent kid is gone. Oh well.
We continue along a ledge, where I almost fall and Anderson grabs me. I tell him I owe him one and he says more than one. I, frankly, would like a list of these “ones” that I owe him. I know my memory is a little cloudy but this claim seems highly suspect to me.
Finally we get back outside and suddenly OH FUCK a shot from a reaper knocks loose the debris or whatever I was walking on and I fall for a while before tumbling near a couple other soldiers. Anderson and I ask them if they have a radio so we can call the Normandy and they point us in the right direction. Then some weird giant husk things show up. They’re called cannibals and Anderson yells at me to shoot them.
Ugh, with this shitty pistol again? Goddammit. Do either of you soldier dudes have a decent gun? You don’t. Sonofabitch. OH I HAVE POWERS. That will help. I can cloak and at least set these gross things on fire. We get past them, I take some medigel for myself and NOT YOU INJURED DUDES and Anderson and I continue to the radio. There’s more cannibals that we kill, and we finally reach it. We call the Normandy and they say they’ll be there soon. THANK GOD I FIND A DIFFERENT GUN. We hold off the cannibals for a while til the Normandy arrives.
I climb aboard and Anderson tells me he’s staying here. He orders me to leave without him and tells me I’m reinstated, tossing me my dog tags. Awwww, you had them with you? That’s so sweet. He tells me to go the Citadel and he’s gonna stay here on earth. Okay um…do you want us to like, give you a ride somewhere maybe first? We got the big spaceship like right here. No? Okay.
I look out and see vent kid climbing aboard a shuttle which then takes off and is then immediately shot down by a reaper. I look sad. I think? I think that’s my sad face, I may also have just farted. Maybe both. One thing is certain: I will be in the lounge.
…this thing still has a lounge right?