Ugh, fuck.
My head is killing me. What the hell, you guys, where am I? What’s going on?
In a detention center? on Earth?
Oh god, what the fuck did I do last night? How…how many probes did I launch at Uranus?
What do you mean, I’ve been here for MONTHS? Where’s my spaceship? Where’s Garrus?
Oh god, this is like the worst bender ever. Where the fuck is Thane, I keep him around for moments JUST LIKE THIS. I need a detailed explanation of what happened after I blacked out.
I watch some kid fly a toy spaceship around outside for a while. He keeps running in circles and just the thought of circles kinda makes me want to throw up. A huge muscle-y dude in a tight t-shirt comes into my room and salutes me and calls me Commander which I say he’s not supposed to do anymore. I don’t know this guy is, apparently his name is James and I don’t know what the fuck is going on but we’re leaving this room and Anderson is talking way too fast to me about an attack on our colonies something something.
Can someone please just tell me how I got here?
Anderson asks how I’m holding up and then pats me on the stomach and implies that I have put on weight. Uuuuuuuh, ‘scuse you? Hands off the merchandise, pal. I would defend my exercise habits and say I was doing pushups in that room the past however long I was in there, but I seriously have no idea. Besides, anyone is gonna look a little flabby next to 0% Body Fat over here.
As we head down the hallway, Anderson tells me more about these attacks and I groan to myself. Reapers attacking is not the way to wake up from a bender. For one thing, that noise? That noise is painful. I also yell at him for taking away my spaceship, which was totally not theirs to take. IT WAS MINE. Well, I stole it from Cerberus. But I stole it for ME. Not you guys. For me. It was my pleasure skiff and we were gonna make Batarians walk planks into black holes and shit, I don’t know. Mostly we were gonna drink and launch probes with it. My point is it was MINE.
As we head into this room, we run into Kaidan. Ooooooh good. These conversations always go so well. Hi Kaidan. Nice hair, Kaidan. Uh hey, this James dude has nice hair too, why don’t you guys talk to each other? OKAY I’M OUTTIE.
We reach this defense council, which, HEY MY FAVORITE THING! A ROW OF PEOPLE ALL HERE TO JUDGE ME AND TWIST THEIR PANTIES AROUND. I say some stuff to them and then Luna base goes dark. Anderson clarifies for the slow people in the room that the Luna base is the moon. As we all absorb this information, suddenly a reaper drops down from the sky and just starts fucking things up. An explosion rocks the room we’re in and sends a desk flying. I nimbly avoid it and look for Anderson and holy crap, I actually stopped to check and see if some of these other people are alive. They aren’t though.
Anderson hands me a gun, and we head outside. Let’s find my fucking spaceship.