I Do In Fact Know Jack, Now.

Back on the ship, I decide to make the rounds again. I start talking to Jacob but I sound like someone who couldn’t keep it in her pants if I was paid to keep it in my pants, which I am not. Still Jacob doesn’t really do it for me and I need to get this guy friend-zoned and FAST. 

I check in with Kelly and with Joker and EDI, as usual and read my new emails. Buuuuh. Screw this, let’s go fly around in space! I check the galaxy map and decide to head towards the Citadel and see what Councilor Anderson wanted. 

When I get there, he’s got the rest of the Council on the holotalker thing which is getting some of the shittiest reception ever. What carrier do you guys use? Seriously, this is awful. What did you say? I can’t…Are you flying through a tunnel, what the fuck? 

I ask them what is up with the whole, pretending there’s no Reapers when there was that giant one that attacked the Citadel a while back and they’re like, what reaper, what citadel, we don’t know what you’re talking about. It is frustrating, like talking to children. They tell me they’ll reinstate my Spectre status but that I don’t have to call in reports. Honestly I’m a little disappointed I won’t get to hang up on them constantly. They don’t seem very enthused or concerned or have any emotion whatsoever about the whole Spectre title. I guess they are really into pogs now instead. I need to wait for the Spectre craze to come around again.

I chat with Anderson for a bit and then head down to the Wards. I hit up every shop and offer to record an endorsement for each one, declaring them all to be my favorite store on the Citadel. I wonder for a while if this will someday come back to bite me in the ass. It has to, right? They’ve GOT to go someone else’s shop at some point. Or someone will tell them. This can’t just work and never cause a problem. I go ahead and do it though, and just wait for the day all my hubris comes back to haunt me. I need to get my mind off this problem, doesn’t this place have a bar?

Ah-ha, yesssssss it does. I drink and drink and drink until I pass out and wake up in the men’s room with Garrus leaning over me. 



Can you keep the little mouthpiece part of my thing out of the way? While I vomit?

You are the best.

I also took a moment to pick up Kasumi from the Citadel. She seems cool enough. But there is of course another deal that I was not told about. Great.

Back on the ship I decide I need more crew members and decide to go after The Convict. We head towards the prison ship and once me, Gar, and Mordin arrive they of course want us to give them our guns. 

Hahahahahaahahaahaha. That’s hilarious. It’s also never going to happen ever. You are seriously the funniest warden I have ever met though, you should try a career in stand up comedy or something.

He decides to “let us” keep your weapons. How generous of him. He shows us around the ship and explains his little racket to us then points us towards processing to pick up our prisoner. As we get there though, a trap is immediately sprung. The Warden was planning on capturing me and then selling me to slavers.

Did I mention how hilarious this guy is? Comedy genius!

We start shooting our way through the ship to get to Jack, the prisoner I’m picking up. I end up at a console that Mordin says will open every cell, but is necessary if we want to get Jack. Uh, okay, let’s do it. I’m not gonna just leave, I mean I came here to get someone and I intend to leave with that person. I hack the planet. I mean the system and Jack is suddenly raised out of her cell in the room in front of us. She busts out of her restraints and starts destroying everything. Oh boy. This should be fun.

Jack starts fucking up everything in the prison and I gotta try to catch up with her. I also need to kill that warden fucker. This is all going horribly wrong. Ugh. 

After a lot of shooting, I finally catch up to Jack. I politely invite her to join me on my spaceship and she calls me a pussy. 

Well fine stay here and die then what do I care

(I say this, even though a second ago, I was totally insistent that we not leave without her.)

She agrees then to come with me and book it the fuck out of there. Fuck this place.

Back on the Normandy I already have an email from a prisoner thanking me for busting him out of that prison and that he’s gonna go around killing people in my name. Oh great, I’m sure this won’t come back to bite me in the ass ever. 

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