We leave Tuchunka and get back on the Normandy. I got other stuff to do on that planet, but I’ll get to them in a bit. I want to check on my fish and my hamster and oh Garrus wants to talk to me, and my spaceship is so cool.
I immediately head to Garrus’s tiny room where he sleeps on these boxes I guess, and he tells me he can finally take a break from calibrating to tell me stuff. He says he’s got a lead on the guy who betrayed his squad and got them all killed, and he wants my help finding him and killing him. Oh Garrus, of course, anything for you! Do you promise to be like crazy intense during the whole thing? Awesome.
I head back upstairs to my map and my email when I instead find out from Kelly that someone else wants to talk to me.
The Illusive Man.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, noooooooooooooooooooo. Kelly tell him I’m busy or something? Take a message? I hate talking to that guy! I don’t wannaaaaaaa.
I go into the debriefing room where my table I’ve never put anything on sinks down into the floor and I step into the weird hologram thing. I am grumpy at having to deal with this, but the Illusive Man informs me that there’s a disabled collector ship and I need to go check it out to gather intel. He says a turian patrol ship shot it and that’s why it’s disabled.
For real? I’m supposed to believe that a small patrol ship took out a collector vessel? Because I don’t really believe that.
I reluctantly agree to it, and Joker sets in a course. I grab Garrus and Thane and we board the ship and AH! Good lord! Thane! What are you wearing on your face? What is that? Is that your space helmet? That thing looks like a gimp mask, are you seriously wearing that?
Look Thane. Look at me. Helmet. Look at Garrus. Helmet. Now look at that…thing that you are wearing. And now try to justify it to me. You can’t. You are lucky that I think you’re cool because goddammit…
We start walking with our guns out, sure that there will be a million collectors behind every corner but there’s…there’s not. No one is bothering us at all. I head into a hallway that looks like it has lots of cover and immediately dart behind something, expecting an attack at any second. But…nothing comes. So I get back up and keep walking while Garrus thinks about asking me if there’s something wrong, or suggesting I cut back on the coffee from the Mess Sergeant.
We keep moving and find weird pods that the collectors were putting people in and a creepy pile of bodies and a dead collector that I have EDI analyze. She discovers some stuff that points to the collectors actually BEING Protheans and I’m like, whoa, what were we talking about again? There wasn’t anything to shoot or try to have sex with and I got distracted.
We find a thing to push buttons on and upload data to EDI on the collectors, when OH FUCK.
IT IS A TRAP.
Not a very good trap, I have to say. A good trap wouldn’t have let me get this much information in the first place. Anyway, Harbie is popping down to say his hellos and I am popping out of cover to say FUCK YOU! REAVE! REAVE! REAVE! AAHAHAHA!
I gotta say these moving platform things you guys have are really annoying.
We start fighting our way out of the ship, kicking collector ass left and right. One of their giant bug things comes out and is trying to kill me. I get out the CAIN. Charging…charging…chargiiiiinggg, goddammit….POW! FUCK!
WAIT NO! HA! I DIDN’T!
Joker is prodding us to please hurry, and we pick up the pace. We round one last corner and there are husks just fucking everywhere. I pull out a machine gun instead and start mowing ’em down, and targeting our powers to hit as many as we can. After thinning the herd a bit, I lower my shoulder and rush past them to the shuttle and to the Normandy.
Phewf-ta. That was rough.
I think me and Mr. Illusive Guy need to have a conversation about his “ideas.”